A revolutionary renaissance in a beautiful presence of love
I sit in the light of the moon tonight. I contemplate its illuminating love. It is charged, glowing with full potential. My whole being is enthralled in its presence. In two days I will leave the States to embark on a life dream to live in Mexico. As I sit here and reflect, memories awaken my flesh into nostalgia. I remember the diary entries, five to ten pages written back to back on the first day back from my childhood summers spent in Mexico.
I awoke early morning to the noise of the juice maker; my tia sells fresh orange, carrot, amongst other juices and chocomil (chocolate shakes) of course. I heard “El Gaaaas,” from trucks driving in the streets selling gas tanks around the colonia, the señoras talking early mornings on their way to buy bread. I spent my days walking around the tianguis with my cousins or exploring el centro, walking around el Teatro Degollado, Hospicio Cabañas or walking in the centro’s largest mercado, San Juan de Dios. I remember we were chased by boys late evenings during las fiestas del pueblo, running in the night light through the noisy streets filled with the neighborhood people, couples making out in benches, the fair games, and the air filled with spices, tacos, and fried food. It was a universe away from my house in the U.S..
The knot in my stomach tightened with anxiety as I wrote; the feeling of leaving something, a place where I existed as me. I wrote about the magic of Mexico, about the feeling of free love. I wrote about the way my soul just felt at home. It did not require a reason to be, it simply was. The words written on the pages eased my heart with the promise of return to live one day.
Little by little, I let this dream hide beneath my present, and expectations here—go to college, graduate, find a job right after college, pay your debt. After college I lived the life I always wanted to live here—independence during my early 20’s, live on my own, have great jobs that I loved, meet inspiring people, grow through experiences; it was all there. It was even better than I imagined. I took part working towards the mission of organizations dedicated to social justice and working with la comunidad, passionate about education, arte y cultura. It is fulfilling. Then at some point the talk about planning for next year, planning ahead, establishing my life in one location—it began to stir things in me. The dream of adventure, the life of an explorer within me awoke and its nature did not synch with the life of stability I lived that moment. A knot in my stomach tied my insides until I could no longer breathe. I wrote during a night of desperation trying to make sense of it all. The life of my dreams tormented within me all these years finally unleashed and I could not sleep it off anymore or wake up without thinking about it. I walked the streets as I went for morning coffee before work, and my feet wanted to dart like arrows to a prey as if my survival depended on it. I smiled and then laughed, and out loud too, at the mere thought, a gut feeling of “what if.” It was a torrent waiting to be provoked. The simple pleasure of a foreshadowed sensation was enough to make me ecstatic. How would the actual manifestation feel?
My friend Quynh always says, “Go big or go home.”
It was the night of our leadership retreat. We spent the night contemplating the stars, staring at the universe and without words understood that our potential was far beyond imaginable. The distance from us and that which we could not physically see could be daunting, nevertheless exhilarating—the feeling of possibilities, living above the norm, above a routine-lived life where we may unwillingly fall into if not always attentive towards our vision. We saw a shooting star that night. We talked about travel, exploration, self-findings, societal-imposed expectations, all into a deep conversation of life and our utmost desires. That night mi alma entera lo sentia, I knew. I verbalized my dreams. The action of releasing them in sound waves was already manifesting a decision, inviting them to the realm of existence. Not only that, but it took life in another mind’s contemplation and indulgence. It was unleashed in the world and taking form. My life was about to change. Quynh’s mere existence in my life was no coincidence. I learned so much from her during my last months in San Jose. I always felt nurtured, loved for being me, because I was another human being with dreams and aspirations. It was Quynh and many other people who showed me love, who played a role in the climactic part of this decision through which I will unravel in my story later on. As time passed and the idea roamed in the air, I understood the uneasy feeling of continuing without figuring some parts about me out first. Part of me exists in Mexico, it holds fragments of an identity that I always knew was there. “This is crazy, Rosa,” I’d laugh to myself really contemplating my decision. This is a big deal to me, in my life—yes, it’s crazy “leaving,” but it’s not so much about dropping everything, it’s about continuing to walk towards your vision. I made the choice. I left San Jose. Bought a plane ticket. Mexico will be my life in two days if God permits.
It’s not all butterflies or cotton candy clouds
I’ll be real, there was fear like never before, an anxiety that haunted me at times, the feeling of being overly caffeinated (which I am half the time, but this time was to an extreme.) It was as if I stood on a ship in the middle of the sea, starring out into the open ocean. The magnitude of it, the omnipresent strength provoked my peace and soon eroded my thoughts into illusionary realms of past or future, feeling weak against its strength. Maybe I shouldn’t have come to sea. The image of being ruptured by it already stole the simplicity of the present, the power it holds. But when our heart wants something so bad, you somehow make it back. You look down to realize you are standing strong riding with the wind. The fresh air fills your lungs, your essence, and you become one with everything. We are all part of each other. When we begin to understand that, we create stronger beings, we break barriers together, become each other’s healing powers and magnify the love that we are.
As the moon illuminates my soul tonight, my thoughts, my mind and my body, a current of wonder fills my aura. Memories, dreams and ideas are lit, bare, hiding nothing. Wanderlust love is unleashed through my veins, a current of beauty, strength, redemption, love. It is vulnerability in it’s positive light; being you—the true self that you are, because anything outside of it is a lie, and the world is already filled with too many of those. Unblinkingly I stare at the moon’s warm presence. A revolutionary renaissance within me starts to unravel as I travel this journey—not only that, but as I, with all willingness surrender to the magnitude of this dream and its potential. There is something within me about to ensue—a new beginning, opportunities, growth, maturity, wisdom, new perceptions of the world, stronger actions towards injustice, a life filled with art and culture, indulging in the essence of being.
It has begun.